Local businessman Peter Thropfoot has shocked colleagues, employees and the late Sir Patrick Moore by announcing his intentions to close his Oxbury call centre and relocate to the surface of the Moon.
The surprise announcement came at the end of the Thropfoot Group AGM, just after the eighteenth round of drinks. Following an energetic if uncoordinated game of Twister, Thropfeet staggered to his foot and, Tequilla Sunrise in hand, proclaimed his extra-terrestrial business plans to a gobsmacked audience.
The local entrepreneur proceeded to tell his marketing manager that he was his ‘best mate’ and leered at a passing secretary before collapsing on top of a sausage roll. The fall left Thropfoot uninjured, although the sausage roll is reported to be in a critical condition.
This morning, union representatives at the Oxbury call centre were said to be up in arms, wherever that is. Trevor McTrevor from the UCCW (which is short for something), represents the majority of workers at the Streep Street call centre. He said: “I am ansolutely appalled by Mr Thropfoot’s decision and in particular the fact that we were not consulted on the matter prior to its announcement.
“Many of my members are worried that the relocation will mean the loss of their jobs, as they are replaced with Lunarian workers who, with their six arms, telekinetic powers and no union representation, can be easily exploited and used as cheap labour.”
Several public figures are unconvinced by Thropfoot’s plans, however, and doubt they will come to fruition.
Oxbury South MP Nick Walton said that a call-centre based on the Moon would be impractical due to the “lack of a breathable atmosphere and poor transportation links.” Local astronomy expert and part-time gyneacologist Dr. David Berkeley described Peter Thropfoot as a ‘fruitbat’ when he heard of the plans. For clarity, Mr Thropfoot is not a fruitbat or any other subspecies of chiroptera.
Although no firm details have yet been revealed regarding the lunar call centre, earlier today Dennis Stomp, lecturer in miscellany at Oxbury University, engaged in some pointless speculation. “The most likely place for the call centre to be built is somewhere near the Sea of Tranquility, which is that grey blobby thing in the shape of a blob that you can sometimes make out with the naked eye. This area represents the ‘prime real estate’ on the surface of the Moon, mainly due to the low house prices and good digital television reception.
“The main problem for the call centre workers would be the complete lack of oxygen. Since wearing space suits all the time would be impractical, I envisage that Mr Thropfoot will build a giant dome over the centre. This dome would look like an upturned jelly mould and would offer adequate protection against the cold, merciless vacuum of space and mosquitos.
“Food and water would need to be ferried to the centre in astro-pods, which will look like Eddie Stobart lorries, only with more flashing lights and things that go ‘beep’.” Mr Stomp continued for several hours.
Peter Thropfoot, who appeared at number 346 in this year’s Sunday Times Rich List and made his fortune by selling high-speed stair lifts to the bone-idle, is no stranger to controversy. He has attracted criticism in the past for his habit of lashing underperforming employees, as well as for attacking a disgruntled customer with an electric toaster (four-slice with defrost facility). Thropfoot proved sceptics wrong last year when he opened an underwater branch of Talkie Talkies, his mobile telephone chain. The store, somewhere in the Irish Sea, has claimed the lives of several would-be customers but remains profitable.
Mr Thropfoot was unavailable for comment this morning, but was described by a close friend as being ‘sick as a dog.’