Windows 8 has come in for a fair bit of criticism since it was launched, which is a shame since it’s actually really rather good, it’s just that Microsoft seem to have underestimated the number of people who might still want to use their keyboards. Of course, in the typical over-the-top, making-a-whole-mountain-range-out-of-a-molehill way that criticism is done via the Internet, you’d be forgiven for thinking that Windows 8 is the worst thing to have been produced by humankind since grenades wrapped in barbed wire, or Heinz Toast-Toppers.
This got me thinking about what would be the worst OS ever created, and that I should really write it just to show everyone just how bad something can be. It would be called Oh!-S (where the trademarked name would also include a little false chortle at the end), and these would be some of its key features:
- Applications would be launched using a Go! Go! Go! button which, when clicked, would cause the volume to be set to maximum and a sound clip of someone shouting ‘Go! Go! Go!’ to be played;
- All user-generated files are stored in the My (Your) Files folder. They’re all named in the format File_1.file, File_2.file etc. Any files whose sequential number would be equally divisible by seven are automatically deleted;
- There is also a folder called Not My (Your) Files that you cannot look inside, but starts off at 7GB in size and grows exponentially according to the phases of the Moon;
- When a problem occurs, no matter what has gone wrong, the following error message always appears:
- A search function is available, but regardless of the term entered you will only ever get back two results, comprising an MP3 of a song by a country and western group you’ve never heard of, and a video clip of the 1976 Austrian Winter Olympics;
- To access the Internet you must sign up to AOL and must load their custom software and ‘connect’ even though you have an always-on broadband connection;
- When you’re browsing the Internet, each 4-9 minutes a popup box will appear that asks if you’re okay. Clicking the ‘No’ button will alert the emergency services;
- It is not possible to change the preset wallpaper, which in all installations is a PhotoShopped picture of Robert Pattinson disguised as Krushchev.
Oh!-S will come in four main distributions:
- Lite Edition – This has no functionality whatsoever and consists solely of a 3-minute looping video of someone else using your computer;
- Pro Edition – Contains all the features mentioned above, but does not work at weekends or bank holidays;
- Ultra Pro Edition – As above, but works all the time, except when you really want it to;
- Ultra Mega Hyper Pro Max Power Edition – As above, but in a blue box.