???? – Gone and most definitely forgotten. I can’t even remember his name. It might’ve begun we an ‘R’. He used to like paint.
COWTHROB (Susanna) – Missed. Shame that bus didn’t, really.
LONGHTORNE (Wilma) – You were right: it wasn’t just a cold. Sorry about that.
MORTON (Jack) – Darling, I miss you dearly and wish you were here now. Then I wouldn’t have to unblock this drain.
THIMBLE (Martin) – See? I said you didn’t know how to wire a plug.
SAXOPHONE (Bruce) – You came to us, a gift from God. A shame you were a stupid sod. As knows anyone with some brain-power, you should never use an electric hedge-trimmer in the shower.
WADDLE (Mavis) – Loving wife for thirty years, unbearable old nag for the last ten. You can’t moan at me now, though, can you? Oh look: I’m putting a mug straight onto the coffee table without a coaster! What’re you going to do about it, hey? Hey? Funeral arrangements to follow.
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Keith Dustpan has become the latest victim of a group of rogue modern artists who have been terrorising the village of Briddleswick for the past month.
In the early hours of this morning Mr Dustpan was horrified when he opened his curtains to discover that someone had planted three oversized items of cutlery in his lawn without prior express written permission. The police were immediately called to the scene and, following several hours of investigation, identified the three items as a fork, a knife and a spoon-like object, possibly a spoon.
This is the most recent in a spate of attacks by the art terrorists. Calling themselves Hirst’s Children, they are depending the creation of an independent state outside the village where they can pursue their hedonistic goals of drug-taking and walking around naked without being arrested.
Previous attacks by the artists have included wrapping the member’s of the village’s parish council in tin foil, painting ‘Go-Faster’ stripes on all the sheep within a seven-mile radius, and the erection of a thirty-foot phallus in the main village square. This last attack has caused a mass outbreak of swooning amongst the village’s female populace, but has increased tourism by an estimated 35%.
Police are appealing for witnesses to the latest event, although Detective Inspector Snide of Oxury CID has admitted that there is ‘no chance of catching the little buggers. Please don’t print that.’
Residents of Briddleswick, famous for its bi-annual cheese-snorting contest, are deeply worried by the attacks. Mrs Edna Carthorse, 60-something, is typical: “It’s getting to the point where I’m scared to go out in the evening in case I’m cut in two and put in formaldehyde.”
The MP for the Briddleswick area, Gwyneth Organ, was unpertrubed by the events, however. “These terrorists can cause as much damage as they like; we will not submit to their demands,” she said this morning from her beach-house in Malibu where she spends 362 days of the year.
Keith dustpan is offering a £500 rewards for anyone who can catch the artists, dead or alive (preferably dead). “This monstrosity has absolutely ruined my garden,” he said earlier, before lapsing into cliché. “I may not know much about art, but I know what I like. And this is shit.”