Tag Archives: Classifieds

Community Noticeboard – Tuition

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Piano lessons – Experienced tutor will help pianos to pass GCSEs and A-levels. 01999 419931, ask for Chopin.

French tuition – all grades. Conversation, writing and tickling. Contact Madame Oohla, 01999 315781 after the watershed.

Potato sculpting – Be like Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters of the Third Kind and express yourself in mash. Call 01999 530213 after closing time.

Clarinet lessons – Experienced tutor will help clarinets to pass GCSEs and A-levels. 01999 419932, ask for Ackerbilk.

Maths tuition – 1 former maths teacher + 1 eager student = exam success. 110% guaranteed. Call 01999 262137 when I’m at home.

Learn to fly the hard way – in a car. 01999 579645, after eight mints.

Break the laws of physics – teach yourself hyperspace wormhole construction and faster-than-light lawn-mowing. Call 01999 668322 (add international dialing code in parallel universes).

Guitar lessons – Experienced tutor will help guitars to pass GCSEs and A-levels, and show how to milk jokes dry. Call 01999 419933, ask for Hendrix.

Dog lessons – Teach your mutt obedience through simple commands and electro-shock therapy. Not suitable for those uninterested in animal cruelty. Call 01999 204872 and speak in an extremely high-pitched voice.

Lessons in love – and the bitter misery and heartache that results from it. Call 01999 843829 and be prepared for the tearful shrieking of the emotionally wounded.

Paperless origami – The ancient Japanese art re-imagined for a more environmentally-friendly age. Must bring own foldable flat-screen TV. Call 01999 532123 and be prepared to waste precious hours of your life.

Cancellation Announcements

Cancelled: Fulton village cheese-rolling contest due to sudden lack of hills in the area.

The Oxbury Women’s Institute lecture on the Apathetic Society has been cancelled owing to lack of interest.

Carol Jessop MP will now not be speaking at the Naysboar Rotary Club. She has been replaced a female impersonator.

The female impersonator referred to in the cancellation above has now had to cancel. They will be replaced by a male impersonator impersonating the female impersonator.

The Grand Vizier of the Cult of the Unwashed Rhino would like to announce that he is unable to ascend to the immortal plane and become Mighty Overlord of All Creation on Tuesday as previously promised since he now has a dental appointment.