Cancelled: Fulton village cheese-rolling contest due to sudden lack of hills in the area.
The Oxbury Women’s Institute lecture on the Apathetic Society has been cancelled owing to lack of interest.
Carol Jessop MP will now not be speaking at the Naysboar Rotary Club. She has been replaced a female impersonator.
The female impersonator referred to in the cancellation above has now had to cancel. They will be replaced by a male impersonator impersonating the female impersonator.
The Grand Vizier of the Cult of the Unwashed Rhino would like to announce that he is unable to ascend to the immortal plane and become Mighty Overlord of All Creation on Tuesday as previously promised since he now has a dental appointment.
- ???? – Gone and most definitely forgotten. I can’t even remember his name. It might’ve begun we an ‘R’. He used to like paint.
- COWTHROB (Susanna) – Missed. Shame that bus didn’t, really.
- LONGHTORNE (Wilma) – You were right: it wasn’t just a cold. Sorry about that.
- MORTON (Jack) – Darling, I miss you dearly and wish you were here now. Then I wouldn’t have to unblock this drain.
- THIMBLE (Martin) – See? I said you didn’t know how to wire a plug.
- SAXOPHONE (Bruce) – You came to us, a gift from God. A shame you were a stupid sod. As knows anyone with some brain-power, you should never use an electric hedge-trimmer in the shower.
- WADDLE (Mavis) – Loving wife for thirty years, unbearable old nag for the last ten. You can’t moan at me now, though, can you? Oh look: I’m putting a mug straight onto the coffee table without a coaster! What’re you going to do about it, hey? Hey? Funeral arrangements to follow.
If you know someone who has died or is in the process of dying and wish to get a head start on things, please send your message to firstname.lastname@example.org.