Sports News: Goal-keeper swapped for fridge


Jack Seedeeplayer, the Oxbury Cavaliers’ star goalie, has – in a shock move that has shocked – been traded for a small fridge.

The announcement came this morning as the local team geared up for their critical match against the fearsome Fulton Lads and Dads side. Both supporters and players are apparently ‘up to arms’. Upon hearing the news, one of the supporters fell from the tree he had climbed in order to take some ‘completely legitimate honest’ photographs of neighbours. The supporter, who may or may not have been named, was rushed to hospital and is now reported to be in a stable but dead condition.

The trade is the latest in a string of controversial moves by manager Stefan Foreignnname. Last month the team’s leading goal-scorer Ian McIan was traded for a nearly-new Vauxhall Insignia.

A fortnight ago, on what has become known amongst fans as Brown Tuesday, mid-fielders Jessop Breastplate and Martin Transitvan were sold for a 40-inch flat-screen TV and copy of Earnest Saves Christmas on DVD. Just last week, forward Joe Crunchynutcornflakes was traded for a fifteen-year-old Vietnamese girl who has not been seen since.

Seedeeplayer has been the goal-keeper for the Cavaliers for the past eleven years, ever since his predecessor, Sean Curtainrod, died of a surfeit of peaches. Today, Seedeeplayer was absolutely distraught.

“Mmmf hmmmf mmf,” he said. After finishing his Greggs pasty, he repeated: “This has come as a complete surprise. I’m devastated, truly devastated. I’ve devoted my entire life to this team. Well, that and masturbating.”

The Oxbury Cavaliers' new goalkeeper at a practice session this afternoon.
The Oxbury Cavaliers’ new goalkeeper at a practice session this afternoon.

Foreignname defended his decision this afternoon at a press conference held in his kitchen. “Jack was  great goal-keeper, but his time has passed. If we truly want this club to move forward, then we need to make the tough choices.”

He then showed journalists where he has placed the fridge (next to the dishwasher), and where he intends to put the new cooker when he trades defender Royston Marshmallow III next month. Foriegnname hopes that by the end of the season he will have been able to furnish the entire ground floor of his house.

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