Community Noticeboard – Tuition

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Piano lessons – Experienced tutor will help pianos to pass GCSEs and A-levels. 01999 419931, ask for Chopin.

French tuition – all grades. Conversation, writing and tickling. Contact Madame Oohla, 01999 315781 after the watershed.

Potato sculpting – Be like Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters of the Third Kind and express yourself in mash. Call 01999 530213 after closing time.

Clarinet lessons – Experienced tutor will help clarinets to pass GCSEs and A-levels. 01999 419932, ask for Ackerbilk.

Maths tuition – 1 former maths teacher + 1 eager student = exam success. 110% guaranteed. Call 01999 262137 when I’m at home.

Learn to fly the hard way – in a car. 01999 579645, after eight mints.

Break the laws of physics – teach yourself hyperspace wormhole construction and faster-than-light lawn-mowing. Call 01999 668322 (add international dialing code in parallel universes).

Guitar lessons – Experienced tutor will help guitars to pass GCSEs and A-levels, and show how to milk jokes dry. Call 01999 419933, ask for Hendrix.

Dog lessons – Teach your mutt obedience through simple commands and electro-shock therapy. Not suitable for those uninterested in animal cruelty. Call 01999 204872 and speak in an extremely high-pitched voice.

Lessons in love – and the bitter misery and heartache that results from it. Call 01999 843829 and be prepared for the tearful shrieking of the emotionally wounded.

Paperless origami – The ancient Japanese art re-imagined for a more environmentally-friendly age. Must bring own foldable flat-screen TV. Call 01999 532123 and be prepared to waste precious hours of your life.

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