Piano lessons – Experienced tutor will help pianos to pass GCSEs and A-levels. 01999 419931, ask for Chopin.
French tuition – all grades. Conversation, writing and tickling. Contact Madame Oohla, 01999 315781 after the watershed.
Potato sculpting – Be like Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters of the Third Kind and express yourself in mash. Call 01999 530213 after closing time.
Clarinet lessons – Experienced tutor will help clarinets to pass GCSEs and A-levels. 01999 419932, ask for Ackerbilk.
Maths tuition – 1 former maths teacher + 1 eager student = exam success. 110% guaranteed. Call 01999 262137 when I’m at home.
Learn to fly the hard way – in a car. 01999 579645, after eight mints.
Break the laws of physics – teach yourself hyperspace wormhole construction and faster-than-light lawn-mowing. Call 01999 668322 (add international dialing code in parallel universes).
Guitar lessons – Experienced tutor will help guitars to pass GCSEs and A-levels, and show how to milk jokes dry. Call 01999 419933, ask for Hendrix.
Dog lessons – Teach your mutt obedience through simple commands and electro-shock therapy. Not suitable for those uninterested in animal cruelty. Call 01999 204872 and speak in an extremely high-pitched voice.
Lessons in love – and the bitter misery and heartache that results from it. Call 01999 843829 and be prepared for the tearful shrieking of the emotionally wounded.
Paperless origami – The ancient Japanese art re-imagined for a more environmentally-friendly age. Must bring own foldable flat-screen TV. Call 01999 532123 and be prepared to waste precious hours of your life.
Jack Seedeeplayer, the Oxbury Cavaliers’ star goalie, has – in a shock move that has shocked – been traded for a small fridge.
The announcement came this morning as the local team geared up for their critical match against the fearsome Fulton Lads and Dads side. Both supporters and players are apparently ‘up to arms’. Upon hearing the news, one of the supporters fell from the tree he had climbed in order to take some ‘completely legitimate honest’ photographs of neighbours. The supporter, who may or may not have been named, was rushed to hospital and is now reported to be in a stable but dead condition.
The trade is the latest in a string of controversial moves by manager Stefan Foreignnname. Last month the team’s leading goal-scorer Ian McIan was traded for a nearly-new Vauxhall Insignia.
A fortnight ago, on what has become known amongst fans as Brown Tuesday, mid-fielders Jessop Breastplate and Martin Transitvan were sold for a 40-inch flat-screen TV and copy of Earnest Saves Christmas on DVD. Just last week, forward Joe Crunchynutcornflakes was traded for a fifteen-year-old Vietnamese girl who has not been seen since.
Seedeeplayer has been the goal-keeper for the Cavaliers for the past eleven years, ever since his predecessor, Sean Curtainrod, died of a surfeit of peaches. Today, Seedeeplayer was absolutely distraught.
“Mmmf hmmmf mmf,” he said. After finishing his Greggs pasty, he repeated: “This has come as a complete surprise. I’m devastated, truly devastated. I’ve devoted my entire life to this team. Well, that and masturbating.”
Foreignname defended his decision this afternoon at a press conference held in his kitchen. “Jack was great goal-keeper, but his time has passed. If we truly want this club to move forward, then we need to make the tough choices.”
He then showed journalists where he has placed the fridge (next to the dishwasher), and where he intends to put the new cooker when he trades defender Royston Marshmallow III next month. Foriegnname hopes that by the end of the season he will have been able to furnish the entire ground floor of his house.
Cancelled: Fulton village cheese-rolling contest due to sudden lack of hills in the area.
The Oxbury Women’s Institute lecture on the Apathetic Society has been cancelled owing to lack of interest.
Carol Jessop MP will now not be speaking at the Naysboar Rotary Club. She has been replaced a female impersonator.
The female impersonator referred to in the cancellation above has now had to cancel. They will be replaced by a male impersonator impersonating the female impersonator.
The Grand Vizier of the Cult of the Unwashed Rhino would like to announce that he is unable to ascend to the immortal plane and become Mighty Overlord of All Creation on Tuesday as previously promised since he now has a dental appointment.
In a landmark court case, Oxbury man Paul Cathedral has been found not guilty of causing the potato famine that struck Ireland in the mid 19th century.
Cathedral had been accused of the tragedy by his wife whose name I couldn’t be bothered to find out. It is alleged that the accusation was intended to discredit Cathedral – owner of a lucrative plastic moulding business – in advance of divorce proceedings.
In heated scenes, the presiding judge (whose name I did find out but forgot to write down) branded the accusations ‘ludicrous’ and ‘chronologically ill-thought-through’. Cathedral’s wife has been ordered to pay court costs and reparations.
Local businessman Peter Thropfoot has shocked colleagues, employees and the late Sir Patrick Moore by announcing his intentions to close his Oxbury call centre and relocate to the surface of the Moon.
The surprise announcement came at the end of the Thropfoot Group AGM, just after the eighteenth round of drinks. Following an energetic if uncoordinated game of Twister, Thropfeet staggered to his foot and, Tequilla Sunrise in hand, proclaimed his extra-terrestrial business plans to a gobsmacked audience.
The local entrepreneur proceeded to tell his marketing manager that he was his ‘best mate’ and leered at a passing secretary before collapsing on top of a sausage roll. The fall left Thropfoot uninjured, although the sausage roll is reported to be in a critical condition.
This morning, union representatives at the Oxbury call centre were said to be up in arms, wherever that is. Trevor McTrevor from the UCCW (which is short for something), represents the majority of workers at the Streep Street call centre. He said: “I am ansolutely appalled by Mr Thropfoot’s decision and in particular the fact that we were not consulted on the matter prior to its announcement.
“Many of my members are worried that the relocation will mean the loss of their jobs, as they are replaced with Lunarian workers who, with their six arms, telekinetic powers and no union representation, can be easily exploited and used as cheap labour.”
Several public figures are unconvinced by Thropfoot’s plans, however, and doubt they will come to fruition.
Oxbury South MP Nick Walton said that a call-centre based on the Moon would be impractical due to the “lack of a breathable atmosphere and poor transportation links.” Local astronomy expert and part-time gyneacologist Dr. David Berkeley described Peter Thropfoot as a ‘fruitbat’ when he heard of the plans. For clarity, Mr Thropfoot is not a fruitbat or any other subspecies of chiroptera.
Although no firm details have yet been revealed regarding the lunar call centre, earlier today Dennis Stomp, lecturer in miscellany at Oxbury University, engaged in some pointless speculation. “The most likely place for the call centre to be built is somewhere near the Sea of Tranquility, which is that grey blobby thing in the shape of a blob that you can sometimes make out with the naked eye. This area represents the ‘prime real estate’ on the surface of the Moon, mainly due to the low house prices and good digital television reception.
“The main problem for the call centre workers would be the complete lack of oxygen. Since wearing space suits all the time would be impractical, I envisage that Mr Thropfoot will build a giant dome over the centre. This dome would look like an upturned jelly mould and would offer adequate protection against the cold, merciless vacuum of space and mosquitos.
“Food and water would need to be ferried to the centre in astro-pods, which will look like Eddie Stobart lorries, only with more flashing lights and things that go ‘beep’.” Mr Stomp continued for several hours.
Peter Thropfoot, who appeared at number 346 in this year’s Sunday Times Rich List and made his fortune by selling high-speed stair lifts to the bone-idle, is no stranger to controversy. He has attracted criticism in the past for his habit of lashing underperforming employees, as well as for attacking a disgruntled customer with an electric toaster (four-slice with defrost facility). Thropfoot proved sceptics wrong last year when he opened an underwater branch of Talkie Talkies, his mobile telephone chain. The store, somewhere in the Irish Sea, has claimed the lives of several would-be customers but remains profitable.
Mr Thropfoot was unavailable for comment this morning, but was described by a close friend as being ‘sick as a dog.’
Residents of Belvoir Street, Oxbury were left in shock today as a man was seen walking down the street wearing a hat. The event, which occurred in the early hours of the early hours, startled homeowner and part-time pigeon racer Albert Talbert. “I’ve never seen the likes in years,” Talbert said, whilst eating a Digestive biscuit. “A man. In a hat. Walking down the street like he owned the place!”
The last time a man was seen wearing a hat in the Oxbury area was in 2008, just prior to the outbreak of the banking crisis. As of yet no firm causal link has been established between the two events.
Oxbury CID are appealing for witnesses who may have seen the man in the hat and are attempting to trace his whereabouts. There is no firm description of him, but he is believed to be wearing a hat.
The police have issued a warning that members of the public should remain vigilant and not approach any person wearing headgear without prior establishment of their motives.
???? – Gone and most definitely forgotten. I can’t even remember his name. It might’ve begun we an ‘R’. He used to like paint.
COWTHROB (Susanna) – Missed. Shame that bus didn’t, really.
LONGHTORNE (Wilma) – You were right: it wasn’t just a cold. Sorry about that.
MORTON (Jack) – Darling, I miss you dearly and wish you were here now. Then I wouldn’t have to unblock this drain.
THIMBLE (Martin) – See? I said you didn’t know how to wire a plug.
SAXOPHONE (Bruce) – You came to us, a gift from God. A shame you were a stupid sod. As knows anyone with some brain-power, you should never use an electric hedge-trimmer in the shower.
WADDLE (Mavis) – Loving wife for thirty years, unbearable old nag for the last ten. You can’t moan at me now, though, can you? Oh look: I’m putting a mug straight onto the coffee table without a coaster! What’re you going to do about it, hey? Hey? Funeral arrangements to follow.
If you know someone who has died or is in the process of dying and wish to get a head start on things, please send your message to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Keith Dustpan has become the latest victim of a group of rogue modern artists who have been terrorising the village of Briddleswick for the past month.
In the early hours of this morning Mr Dustpan was horrified when he opened his curtains to discover that someone had planted three oversized items of cutlery in his lawn without prior express written permission. The police were immediately called to the scene and, following several hours of investigation, identified the three items as a fork, a knife and a spoon-like object, possibly a spoon.
This is the most recent in a spate of attacks by the art terrorists. Calling themselves Hirst’s Children, they are depending the creation of an independent state outside the village where they can pursue their hedonistic goals of drug-taking and walking around naked without being arrested.
Previous attacks by the artists have included wrapping the member’s of the village’s parish council in tin foil, painting ‘Go-Faster’ stripes on all the sheep within a seven-mile radius, and the erection of a thirty-foot phallus in the main village square. This last attack has caused a mass outbreak of swooning amongst the village’s female populace, but has increased tourism by an estimated 35%.
Police are appealing for witnesses to the latest event, although Detective Inspector Snide of Oxury CID has admitted that there is ‘no chance of catching the little buggers. Please don’t print that.’
Residents of Briddleswick, famous for its bi-annual cheese-snorting contest, are deeply worried by the attacks. Mrs Edna Carthorse, 60-something, is typical: “It’s getting to the point where I’m scared to go out in the evening in case I’m cut in two and put in formaldehyde.”
The MP for the Briddleswick area, Gwyneth Organ, was unpertrubed by the events, however. “These terrorists can cause as much damage as they like; we will not submit to their demands,” she said this morning from her beach-house in Malibu where she spends 362 days of the year.
Keith dustpan is offering a £500 rewards for anyone who can catch the artists, dead or alive (preferably dead). “This monstrosity has absolutely ruined my garden,” he said earlier, before lapsing into cliché. “I may not know much about art, but I know what I like. And this is shit.”