Now That’s What I Call Art!

Following last year’s highly successful exhibit ‘Art for the Ignorant‘, the Oxbury Museum and Art Gallery is proud to present ‘Now That’s What I Call Art!‘ – a selection of your favourite masterpieces that you might have seen on film or TV. Just think of it as Classic FM but with pictures.

Includes such hits as:

  • That one with the freaky diagonal skull by Henry VIII.
  • Something with ships by that guy from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet.
  • One of those nice ones by Constable because that’s a proper painting. I mean, you can tell what it is and everything, not like all this modern rubbish.
  • The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies by Van Klomp.
  • Boring Horses by Crockett and Tubbs.
  • Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Vermeer.
  • Naked Chick in a Shell by Booticelli.
  • Bendy Clocks by Salvador Dali and his Amazing Moustache.
  • Big Foot by Monty Python.

Please note that owing to legal complications, Rolf Harris’s Didgeridoo will not be displayed as previously advertised.

The exhibition will run until the other galleries ask for their pictures back.

Oxbury Historical Society – New lecture season

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The Oxbury Historical Society invites all those interest to its latest season of lectures:

March 18th: William the Conquerer and his amazing technicolour dreamcoat.

March 25th: Spanners in the Holy Roman Empire.

March 29th: Aztec cameras.

April 2nd: Mussolini and Ulrika – the secret affair.

April 7th: The fall and rise of Charlemagne’s empire (ballet version).

April 14th: The significance of the whelk in the Third Reich.

April 16th: Funking up crop rotation – disco in the middle ages.

April 19th: ‘Why were some many French kings called Louis?’ and other boring historical questions.

Lecutres are held in the Graeme Taylor Theatre, Oxbury University.
Admission: £3 adults, £1 children/OAPs (not both). Dead historical figures get in free (except Richard III).

Community Noticeboard – Tuition

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Piano lessons – Experienced tutor will help pianos to pass GCSEs and A-levels. 01999 419931, ask for Chopin.

French tuition – all grades. Conversation, writing and tickling. Contact Madame Oohla, 01999 315781 after the watershed.

Potato sculpting – Be like Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters of the Third Kind and express yourself in mash. Call 01999 530213 after closing time.

Clarinet lessons – Experienced tutor will help clarinets to pass GCSEs and A-levels. 01999 419932, ask for Ackerbilk.

Maths tuition – 1 former maths teacher + 1 eager student = exam success. 110% guaranteed. Call 01999 262137 when I’m at home.

Learn to fly the hard way – in a car. 01999 579645, after eight mints.

Break the laws of physics – teach yourself hyperspace wormhole construction and faster-than-light lawn-mowing. Call 01999 668322 (add international dialing code in parallel universes).

Guitar lessons – Experienced tutor will help guitars to pass GCSEs and A-levels, and show how to milk jokes dry. Call 01999 419933, ask for Hendrix.

Dog lessons – Teach your mutt obedience through simple commands and electro-shock therapy. Not suitable for those uninterested in animal cruelty. Call 01999 204872 and speak in an extremely high-pitched voice.

Lessons in love – and the bitter misery and heartache that results from it. Call 01999 843829 and be prepared for the tearful shrieking of the emotionally wounded.

Paperless origami – The ancient Japanese art re-imagined for a more environmentally-friendly age. Must bring own foldable flat-screen TV. Call 01999 532123 and be prepared to waste precious hours of your life.

Urgent Recall Notice

Samoshoddy Motors, Uzbekhistan
Model no. A13279/A/X – the Carzakhstan
Sold exclusively in Europe by Dodgy Al’s Motor Emporium, Oxbury

A problem has been identified with the above model. It has been observed that, under certain circumstances*, the engine and floor may become dis-attached from the remainder of the vehicle, possibly incurring bodily harm to any passengers and their shoes. Owners of this vehicle should cease driving it immediately and carefully push it back to the place of purchase (being Dodgy Al’s Motor Emporium, Backalley Way, Oxbury) where they might receive a refund and a free goody bag containing a whistle.

*: Circumstances include, but are not limited to: heavy rain; light rain; drizzle; high temperatures; low temperatures; acceleration; braking; speeds in excess of 23.1mph; overly-vigorous door-closing; selecting reverse gear; Tuesdays.

Samoshoddy Motors – 65 years manufacturing sub-standard motors under communist oppression.